Phoney Smiles Fake Hellos

I've come to learn one very very important lesson. Families should never be phoney. Oh! God No! Not the slightest bit. Dysfunctional is okay. Normal even. But please not phoney. Remember the line from "Pink - Family Portrait" 'In our family portrait we look pretty, let's play pretend that it comes naturally' [I think I kinda choked up when I first saw the video] Now each time I come across a family portrait where the folks in em are posing in front of a camera faking that smile; the men making sure that ties line up straight, the collars are right, the crease on the trousers are proper, the shoes are polished.

The women, the protocol and procedure is quite as elaborate as detonating a nuclear arsenal. The right angle "You dont want to look FAT on camera!" your camera side is the left half of your face so u have to have that side of the picture. The coats of makeup added on to pile up on your face to ensure that over the years the actual facial maladies are never to be deciphered be a viewer. Thanks to digital photography I guess they can relax, but no the fish scales have to be applied to the lips... various types of synthetic mud to the face .. Various grades of charcoal products to the eyes to make the lashes fan out ... Shaved Waxed permed oh my god facial hair on a female's face is truly the lowest low in the incarnation chart ... the inhuman treatment that as facial hair you'll be subjected to is just beyond comprehension of anyone.. except for those less fortunate few who spent time in a concentration camp.. they might know what i'm talking abt.. or conceptualize the sheer gross amount of pain ...

Back to the family portrait ... after these men and women have indulged in unhealthy levels of vanity and pose in front of a camera .. They are preserving shots of memory... which is supposed to remind them of a time, a place, an event ... how is what i cannot seem to comprehend... those fake smiles, the cognitive dissonance, the artificial pleasantaries.. WHY? who's this for? What are you accomplishing by paying some one to take a picture of u .. in the most ill fitting uncomfortable clothing u ever ..probably clothing u leave behind in the closet...coz there isnt anywhere to wear it [that reminds me of the lady with the red dress in Requiem For a Dream] u stuff ur self into it.. wipe the sweat of ur brow... stare at the mirror the photographer has one last time ..as u practice the fake smile for the pic...

It's just outright disgusting... It's sickening coz u have to fabricate a reality to remember.. a pseudo-reality that will last for the length of shutter speed configurations... U need that developed film to look at ...and feel like "it comes naturally" ....

Before u forget ..vacation pictures are abt the fun time u had... like animals you have to be caught in your natural habitat.. doing what u do best!!! and then make funny faces at the camera... Dont wear a freaking suit and look like u have a hemmaroid the size of khilamanjaro stuck up your rear end ... that's not for your family vacation pix .. those are corporate mug shots ... government id shots... go ahead ... be that way... dont fake wedding photos... family gatherings .... and other events.. which mean things to u ... or are supposed to mean things to u ...
It's astonishing the lengths people go to, to make it look good, that's just botched...

That's that about portraits ...here's something else to chew on ... how often do u hear a conversation ..and have ur gut churning up everything u ate over the last decade ..Coz jesus christ how many fake conversations can u stand before you have an Ally McBeal moment ... There's a threshold to the amount of bullshit you can stand... And i've always wondered what keeps these ppl going... what's their elixir of life? what keeps the faketronic processor churning those reposes... one after their other.. they dont have the guts to give u a straight answer.. they cant say yes or no for fear of being politically incorrect.. they cant voice a strong opinion coz it might offend somebody... and the superfical niceties just keep populating the major expanse of their conversations ..if they maybe called that... ppl ...learn to grow balls... voice your response ...it could be right or wrong ..it doesnt matter... learn to have an opinion ..and stand by it ... dont copy some one else's tastes coz it seems cool... or since u have associated with that particular school of thought/product... No!! mainstream media, technology, views, literature has nothing to offer the human mind...

Intellgent thought comes from free thinkers ... non-conformists ... have the niche to stick ur head out to do something other than the ordinary...i believe in the mantra i wasnt born to be mediocre ... and these phoney ppl remind me of how much they want to be a part of a mediocre existance.. free from the chaotic nature of true free existance... independence ....from standards set by industries society and all other bureacratic instituitions out there....or you could just sit back have one good look at life, go up to google and find out "answer to life, the universe, and everything" get the answer ..and just say "FAKE IT!"

P.S. answer=42

Endaro Mahaanubhaavulu Andariki Vandanamulu

Why is it that we as people need to be awarded, gifted, appreciated in front of our peers to feel valid. Actors need award ceremonies to tell them they are good. Students need to be heralded for their respective laurels! Sportmen/women need to compete with each other excel and finally be accredited with a hunk of metal to show the rest of the world they are good.

Why? Why give peace prizes and nobel prizes? Who's ego's are being stroked in the process... Is an award a prosthetic that adds to the aura around an individual. Does a singer's vocal chords sound any better after he/she's been bestowed upon with a record contract and a half... thanks! Do soldiers turn into war monging deities with their bands colors and stripes...

Who is it for? Is it to inform the general public; look morons this individual strived way beyond what you lame excuses for human life forms ever will... This award he/she just won is to show you that your birth certificate is actually an apology letter from a condon factory. Your medicore existance means nothing to humanity. Go win something! and then come back, we'll give u a piece of paper that makes u special. It's a feather in your cap.. and what good is it there? It turns u into a super human... well.. a lil re-enforcement can do no harm... a lil caring, a good word , a regular thanks for the support would be cool.. but that never does happen now does it!

In our day to day lives we spend way too much times sprinting towards some dead line... sprinting to be the first ... to be noticed.. to be touched to be awarded ... to be a part of history.. to be remembered... for someone to flip thru our portfolio and document who we are.. on the basis of pieces of paper and metals in our possession... that's the only way the "-" on our tombstone will signify who and what we were are and will be ....

Those awards who and what r they for ...It's for those whining numb nuts who think they do the world a favor doing what they do.. it's for them to look up from their lil insignificant lives at some one who actually did something with his/her life.. went out and slayed a dragon, killed a giant with a single stone .. went out to battle for his brother's beloved.. yeah it's for them...maybe they need an award too!!!

Auguries of Naïveté

Thw world of mythology is rather intriguing to say the leas. But here's the best part the commonality in all those ancient world cultures regarding the same themes. How ancient mythologies who had no means of communicating with each other, said the same stories ... How did that happen? How did the same ideal scenarios and story lines get depicted in different stories without ever raising a red flag in ancient literature plagarism... Moses was sent to be raised from a pauper to a prince... Karna born a prince was raised a pauper... Orpheus and Eurydice made a pact with the devil ... but he turned back at the last minute to lose her...anyone remember the indian counterpart.. how similar is that to savthiri?...

Any way what got me thinking on thse lines is the multimillion dollar Star Wars franchise is coming out with yet another movie... and look at Darth Vader he was the chosen one .. but the dark side has invited him over... so now we all know what is to become of him ... hummm.... wasn't this the same Dilemma MT Vasudevan Nair's Chathiyan Chandu was in... wasnt it the same moral dilemma Acchilles was in ... wasnt it the same juxtaposition Karna was in? Warriors with immense power and talent ..groomed by their elders... With lovers who cheated them ... with teachers who betrayed them, with a new propaganda that's bewitching them ..with the megalomanic in them raging to come thru... Havent we all heard these tales before... but we'll be flocking into see the revenge of sith... it wont be james earl jones we'll be hearing thru the hi-fi stereo sound systems...but u'll be there wont u luke?

Title is not the word, But is the first word that comes to mind

Ok People ... I'm back ... with a vengence this time coz man have i had a hectic week... Wow .. it was a real helluva rollercoaster ... Honest to god did some real neat stuff... Went and bought myself another couple of books and have been lost in em ever since.... Lemme list em out to those of who are interested ... Chuck Chuck Palahniuk - Survivor, Choke... This guy is just mind boggling... i couldnt put down the book it was back to back cover to cover.. and the stuff he talks about in his book ... sheer brilliance... with a spice of sarcasm, a tad bit of anti-establishmentarianism, anarchism and out right weird stuff.. [and it some how rubs off, or so i feel coz hummm i got into some pretty nasty pblms, but that's another story]... apart from that i got Gravity's Rainbow, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintanence, The Bell Jar, Hitchhiker's Guide Deluxe Edition(that's with all the six stories...)

I have had a cpl of rough days not enough sleep... too much of mundane stupid stuff going on .. and the usual load of problems and stuff.. on top of all of this i have to deal with the ongoing tribulations of others wow... what a life ..in the words of louis armstrong ... what a wonderful world ...

Cautionary word of advice to those of you who are reading this ....stop running around ... stop falling for the wrong reasons .... stand up for what is right at the right time at the right place... i'd sure wish to elucidate on the subject matter i'm referring to at hand ... but hummm, i dont get teh feeling u folks are ready yet...

Ladies and Gentlemen.. or My Dear Gendiles!!!

I have been indulging in myself for a while.... Yes, It's a weird cool sly feeling .... Yup, What have i been doing well i just realized that my DVD collection over the last 4 months have grown to 22 movies... And my book collection has just grown to over ten titles... Dues to lack of time [i'm in a hurry to leave for a 3 day conference ]and will be out of town and in the wildereness amidst bushes and trees and lakes and forests .... and deers and racoons and loads of bugs and marsh pits and stuff... and not to forget the shit loads of alcohol I wont be punching anything in.... So to beef up the content of the blog here's the list of books that i bought:

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

YES!!! People I've been reading your blogs and i've loads of comments to bring to your attention ... But at a later time and date... Until then Cheerio!!!

Love and Living on Planet Earth

Parallel Story lines intrigue me... I'm talking abt the likes of Magnolia, Sliding Doors, Requeim For A Dream, Cube, Hypercube that kinda stuff[i'm omitting the likes of pulp fiction and kane & abel here coz it's got too much of public exposure and the real art gets buried away in hype and publicity]... when three or more characters are tackled on in an absolute chaotic and sporadic manner... but the author is totally in control of it .. yet the reader doesnt get the sense of soothing comfort that he/she is...

Well in a consentous effort to make such a lucid comment ... i'm doing a comment piece ... no i'm no roger ebert ... but it needs to be tackled...y...to address this discourse would require a whole conndrum of reasons... but for now my singular need to have it out there in your face...

human nature is fantastic... it truly is ..... the whole process of growth is irrefutably beautiful... the dilemma's we go thru... our insatiable need to rationalize our thought process is even more demanding than ou nature to have sex ... and at different times in our life we under go different kids of dilemma's... from ever since we're kids we keep asking questions...we're all the "HAGAR the Horrible WHY-Kings!"...why is the sky blue what is hot is what is cold... are the clouds made of cotton candy... as a teenager what does a kiss feel like ... Raymond Babbot would probably say Wet!! definitely wet!!! what is with the all powerful all knowing god out there... oh god ..this is rather the most intriguing ..and indecipherable question to the lone crusader...on his fight to unravel the mysteries of faith...

hold on a second any fathomable explaination is likely to lead some kinda moral or ethical standpoint that is not going to swerve in the direction of the majority ... but lemme try my hand at addressing divinity and homosexuality and going back to rekindle your inner child coz u feel there's a part of u left there that has to tended to...

the natural course of life gives us the reasoning capability to address all these and any other dilemma's that may come up... but the first answer comes from within... the quest ... dont let the urge to ask why . dont ever let it die... to rebel with or without a cuase is a part of growing up... to find those answers is what is truly the prupose of life ... and enjoy the journey .each day of it ... each waking moment...

love/hate... an emotion if were to be a quantity that had a unit of measure like any other scientific quantity ...we could probably have unlocked most of life's mysteries ... if there was a love-fission process thru which love could be made in immeasurable quantites and stored ...wouldnt it be great... well listen up ppl..it's already out there... u and i ... we are all a product of a huge love-fission reaction... and we are oozing with radio active love... channelled in the right amounts in the right directions... in the right ways ...it's an unending source of happiness...

happy/sad... an emotional by product of the love-fusion reaction which happens when ppl interact with each in true faith ...where there is no need to reciprocate the feeling with material goods...

poetry and bubbles... gurgling babies... and toothless wrinkled old ladies smiles... mountain tops ...and luscious green fields swaying in the wind...golden brown sand twirling over the copper toned deserts ..and blistering icy winds chilling entires lakes and rivers into serene icy stillness..... gorgeous sunrises and sunsets... where the sun makes love to the oceans every morning and every night...

there must be a reason famines and luxrious parties in millionaire mansions coexist on the planet... for so has the lion and the lamb.for so has the dinosaur and the cockaroach... everyone has a place and a time ...but to be able to accomodate oneself within the scheme of things ... there is a key... to be able to adapt and co-exist without losing one's sense of identity.. one's uniqueness.. the blend of nature u bring with you is unique only to you... dont lose it to be accepted .. but take from it what will sweeten u ...and discard the rest..it's the compilation of hundreds of grains of sand over long durations of time that make a pearl.... and it's your duty oh oyster to see the pearl of your heart take it's form and shape... don't be taken aback for having to be different ... for ugly ducklings meet fairy godmothers that turn them into princess' that eat little bear's puddings and party with seven dwarfs who work in the gingerbread house beside the beanstalk ...

now that your totally lost... do not be afraid to let go... u might have been caterpillars thus fur.. and the coccon and the mulberry leaves may seem like the only things u've ever known or had... but it's ok ... tommorow's a new day... saying goodbye's are a part of life ... for the ppl u really care abt never actually leave u any way.... they are with u forever... from the icky stains on t-shirts.. to scars left from fights... to dialogues from movies.. to stray radio waves that play songs from the past... the ppl u love always have a way of being with u..

A Hard Day's Night

"It's been a hard day's night
And I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night
I should be sleeping like a log"

Lennon & McCartney were on to something when they were penning that one down... Coz God that sums it all up ... That's what life is ...these days, the preceding lines bear no resemblence to reality though... There's no one to go home to... but then again "why on earth should I moan"...

Comments i've heard from ppl over the last cpl of days...
"You will make a great father..." [From a lady whose daughter i was helping with counting out the cash while paying for the world's tallest pencils..]
"You have the slightest clue, how great a gift you have..." [Guy friends from class, in the men's room pissing away the 6th pint of beer as i honestly expose the truth about palm reading... it's all bullshit... and the girl whose palm i was reading was into all of what i said ... she was like "that's so true ..how do u know all this abt me .. i feel like u know everything there's to know abt me.. omg! that's amazing" ... and in the mean time ..it's just the average gift of the gab..]

the time is 12:00am... i woke up at 4:30am today.. was drunk as a fish last night... made the guys skip class and just sat around enjoy what we call a beautiful spring of 1C... and tonight had a 6 hour long board meeting... now off to St. Patrick's Day PUB... to get a lil' Irish in me... Green Beer looks promising...

UMMMMMMM.... BEER!!!

Temperment Sorter Result: RATIONAL

Rationals, are the problem solving temperament, particularly if the problem has to do with the many complex systems that make up the world around us. Rationals might tackle problems in organic systems such as plants and animals, or in mechanical systems such as railroads and computers, or in social systems such as families and companies and governments. But whatever systems fire their curiosity, Rationals will analyze them to understand how they work, so they can figure out how to make them work better.

In working with problems, Rationals try to find solutions that have application in the real world, but they are even more interested in the abstract concepts involved, the fundamental principles or natural laws that underlie the particular case. And they are completely pragmatic about their ways and means of achieving their ends. Rationals don't care about being politically correct. They are interested in the most efficient solutions possible, and will listen to anyone who has something useful to teach them, while disregarding any authority or customary procedure that wastes time and resources.

Rationals have an insatiable hunger to accomplish their goals and will work tirelessly on any project they have set their mind to. They are rigorously logical and fiercely independent in their thinking--are indeed skeptical of all ideas, even their own--and they believe they can overcome any obstacle with their will power. Often they are seen as cold and distant, but this is really the absorbed concentration they give to whatever problem they're working on. Whether designing a skyscraper or an experiment, developing a theory or a prototype technology, building an aircraft, a corporation, or a strategic alliance, Rationals value intelligence, in themselves and others, and they pride themselves on the ingenuity they bring to their problem solving.

Rationals are very scarce, comprising as little as 5 to 10 percent of the population. But because of their drive to unlock the secrets of nature, and to develop new technologies, they have done much to shape our world.

The Four types of Rationals are:

Architects (INTP) | Masterminds (INTJ) | Inventors (ENTP) | Field Marshals (ENTJ)

45 Minutes

Yes folks that's the number of the day.... Why is it the number of the day... On two separate occasions today i spent myself conversing on the telephone with two elegant conversationalists... for a duration of you guessed it .........45 minutes...each i may add.. hummm... awkward silences ..no... just fluid lucid elaborate conversations... god... if only i knew certain things abt life ..predisposition of certain aspects of life would be a truly divine act of grace on the creator's behalf... to be able to access some cellestial data farm to browse thru the elaborate mechanism involved in shaping up who and what we are ...where we are headed what we are to become...if we could hitchhike in to that elaborate little data house on prarie.. to find out that elusive "42" somewhere within us we might quench that thirst, and we might extinguish the whole butterfly effect that would result in what may have become ...but it would be worth it right..

how long would we spend there? on the edge... perusing thru the discourse... living our life all over again or would we live it with mods... change a ringtone[friend] or a skin[looks] perhaps..a screensaver[sibling] ...what would we do given that source code ...would we fix the bugs... all of the bugs... john, paul,george and ringo..all of em... would we destroy em all... but arent they the very bugs who made us who we are ... would u split them apart and see how different our lives would be if they werent together... would they run around helter skelter... and would we be the catcher in the rye ... how long would we spend there....

45 minutes perhaps?

My Oscar Predictions...

Except for Good Ol' Marty ... i'm pretty happy with all my other predictions...hey i was almost doing a roger ebert ...i called em all ... Charlie Kaufman, Sideways, the tech awards.. except for my three flaws... for animated feature Shrek2, best picture aviator... i was almost sure marty would win...

but damn... You lose The covetted title for Raging Bull, You lose again for Last Temptation of Christ, You lose yet again for GoodFellas, yet once more fate has it that you lose for Gangs of New York ... He lost to Robert Redford(Oridnary People), he lost to Kevin Costner(Dances with Wolves), he lost to Barry Levinson(Rain Man)...he lost to Roman Polanski(The Pianist..) Will he be another Alfred Hitchcock... a great director ... but never celebrated by the academy... always the bridesmaid ..but never the bride..??

Chris Rock was as convincing as Shit on Toast... boo!!! he was being politically correct not turning it into the Chris Rock show.. but expect more... thank god the cool dude from electric company finally won... it was good to see morgan freeman win!

Bienvenue a la Tour CN

Bienvenue a la Tour CN

Regardez ici pour l'information en francais

Dont ask me how i got it ... but as far as sumbody i asked as to how i sound said ..it looked like i knew what i was saying... Far from the truth of the matter of course.. i don't know jack shit in french ..and i had to end my freaking presentation with these lines...

Any way as for the interview ... Saturday morning ... i'm like do i want to go for this freaking interview .. is it worth my time ..will i get hired ... why the hell dont i get back to bed and get some much deserved 40 winks... uhuh!!! 5:00 and i was up and hovering around.. shit shave shower... and my i wasnt still sure if i wanted to go... i asked myself for some kind of a sign... and u'd think something would happen.. but nothing nade zilch.. maybe that was the sign... i headed out the door ... got my arse off the first bus ...boarded the Toronto Express ... and got off at Union Station ... and once i get there ... i have this whole mental sparring that i'm doing... buzz like a butterfly sting like a bee..thing... that's what's going on in my head... but i'm cool... like i dont give a flying fuck... this job meant nothing to me... that was the inner mantra.. and i reach there ahead of time .. chat up with this chick outside ..was a particularly chilly day to begin with ... (-15C the wind chill kinda brought it down to -22C) ... and there we're chatting up afront of a closed up CN tower.. we get inside ... my scheduled time is 9:30am.. it's almost 9:00am and she has her interview at 9 so heads for the secruity clearance.. i had down to the gift shop place thingy.. browse around once more ..chat up with the sales staff.. the chicks.. are dont worry... it'll be easy ... Andy's a nice guy .. he's supposed tobe the guy who's doing my interview.. and i ask what's the hottest selling item.. and u know throw a lil party in my head....walk up the stairs ... get to the security chk ... and meet up with the elevator chick ... who once again chats up with me how to answer target specific questions ..any way i get to the 360 restraunt.. [a dinner for two here wuld most likely cost a min of $360.00 ... but i'd be willing to shell that kinda cash ... maybe if i were going to propose to a special somebody maybe... but as of now that'll be what i make a whole week working here..] Andy comes up to meet me ... we get to our table to start off with the interview ...

{remember sachin from the world cup match finals against australia.. that's me usually in a technical interview...totally fucked up... but this was me .. taking stance...and it felt like the india-pak match...} it could quite possibly have been the magnificent view..

his first question ... What interests u to work at the CN Tower? i respond.. The Cn .. is after all one big antenna, i'm an Electronics & Telecom Guy ...hey if i could work here in the tech side of things that would be living the dream..as of now ..this gives me bragging rights... {there... i had just smashed my first six...and i hadnt even got started.. }

The inner engines were just revving up.. and i was slick as shit .. cool as a cucumber... i was tanya harding on ice.....he goes on to how would u show ur paying attention to what some one is saying ... i respond with a if you've ever had a girl friend u know exactly how to show ur paying attn to what the other person is saying ... and there.. he was laughing at that ..and he said funny someone else had said the same thing too.. {ok ... humm looks like he things i'm so full of shit my skin is brown.. looks like i have to change gears...}

he asks how would u rate customer satisfaction... and some shit like that ... bam... this is where i exploded... emotional impact of tourism shopping... how u want to take a slice of the action along with u syndrome.. i was fluid ...i almost started a a whole woody allen meets charlie kauffman thing there... it was just great... and the best part was i was digging in to the trench ..and i was calling the shots ... i was loving it ..u can see the powershift.. and i was ho-humming my way thru..

he asked me how i engage myself while doing boring mundane activities... so i told him abt the panel wiring .. 6ft by 3ft long wiring... half a kilometer of cables and wires.. looking up blue brints troubleshooting these babies are what they make corrupt engineers do in hell...for an eternity.. and i do this 8-10 hours everyday.. humm so i told him the honest to god truth.. i use the reservoir dog technic... i call wires by their names... Mr Pink Mr White.. then i do have a cluedo option once in a while .. where Miss Scarlett shorted Mr Cobalt in the Transformer .......it does look like i'm a loony to any one else working around me... but me i'm content in the magical world of wires i create.............he liked that too.......

and there u had it .. he said he was discussing the contract with me.. and said all he was worried abt was my commuting between hamilton and toronto...and i said look this could be my opening to a job here in the tech side of things i'm willing to take the gamble... His eyes lit up and face cheered like he got the best blow job in his life .. he said that was sheer brilliance and very few ppl put two and two together ... and that was a spectacular amount of foresight on my part... well every thing said and done ... i headed outta andy's interview to the panel interview... which is where i had to enact a role play... then there was the product endorsements .. and then finally the french lines... ... well by the looks of it i start next Saturday...

Hey Man!

Meandering thru the miscellanous today actually.. coz am in a bit of hurry ... humm ... but none the less ... something that i noticed the other day... "Hey Man!!!" the colloquial slang... rather intriguing to look into where it came from .. and how it originated ... the black slaves were called "Ey Boy !" by their masters... no matter even when the black men turned into decript seniles ..were still referred to as 'boy!' as an act of rebellion .. blacks addressed themselves hey man!! and there lies the origins of the term...

The Silver Dollar Conspiracy... sum thing else i was reading about... "http://www.heretical.com/miscellx/usury.html" .. working my ass off all week... u expect to see something in return for all that work ...that's when i read this article... it just made so much sense...

A lot more to blog abt ... right now ... aint the time ... Happy Birthday Amma!!

Where Have All The Beautiful People Gone???

Look out at any metropolitian city bustling with ppl... This is when u have to go downtown.. the bus terminal .. the train station... the heart of the city ...where you have sea of ppl swaddling there way thru in the course of the day... go there at 5:00am... if ur headed out for shift work... this is when u are most likely to notice this phenomenon... u find none of those pretty girls who inhabit the streets in the brightest of outfits ...swaying left and right those pubescent hips in a way only young girls can... thru the streets distracting any mortal male ...They dont live here....they dont exist on the planet... those cute lil kids with water bottles and bags holding mommies hands as the cross the roads in herds ... all dressed alike like they all fell out of some giant candy jar.... they have been sucked outta the planet too... you dont see dazzling young men weilding their immaculate gadgets and brief cases and shades thru which they give those stares to those afore mentioned pretty lil things ... they dont seem to exist either... then who does live on this planet ... if it were to be visited by an alien life form at 5:00 am....well the welcoming coming committee..is a paltry bunch of old men with tired faces... running to get to their jobs to feed their loved ones... no there isnt much enthusiasm on their faces .. it isnt cheery or full of joy and grace... as are those of the other hours of the day.. these men men have faces cast in stone... and spirits that have faded and withered away... they are the ones that make the welcoming committee... no wonder those aliens keep turning back... for as they see it ...there isnt much life on the planet ... most ppl are asleep ..and the ones awake..seem to keep repeating the same things over and over again... they jump off one mode of transport to another ..and then they keep doing some mundane task till they get exhausted and return back to their domicile to sleep and the cycle continues... are u sure this is a sign of intellegent life asks one alien to the other... how different are they from the ants in our ant hill back home? ... what would those aliens know about life on earth, families in far away places, friends we cherish to be with, consuming fluids that play with our emotions...things we do to feel happy, how signals captured through wireless devices make us laugh and cry ... what would those aliens know about money and loans and debts and credits and ursuries... what would those aliens know about death and loss and pain ... what would they know .... about hose faces cast in stone ..those tired old men dragging their feet thru the wee hours of the morning... what do they know about how he makes sure the beautiful people inhabit the better part of the day...

The Canadian International AutoShow

Ah yes the CIAS ... not only is it North America's largest car expo... Larger than Detroit (humm which is where all the good shit end up going... ) 850,000 sq ft...that's quite a bit of area to cover walking to see the 42 car exhibitors... welll chk out www.autoshow.ca for details... as for me ..lemme say i needed the day off to feel good abt myself... and this surely was a great way to do it ... it was rather chilly thru the latter part of the day ..but nonetheless a terrific experience.. now what did i oggle over... hummm ... i got to sit in the new Mustangs ... the new Mercedes S, E, C Class... the smart Car... well we dont wanna take time out to talk abt all the hondas and toyotas and fords and pontiacs i sat now do we... I got my customized version of the dodge magnum commercial made... u can chk it out on

http://tdw.thindataworks.com/clients/DaimlerChrysler/evideo/videos/t1969.wmv

The cars to oggle over were the lamborginis ..they had 3 of em .. the ferraris ..they had 4 of em... they had 2 aston martins... 2 bentleys ....the classic car section was beautiful .....the bikes were great too... the ducatis..the harleys...

well as for cars to watch out for ..... lemme give u my two cents abt concept cars... looks like every designer out there goes to the same design school ...or uses the same software to design the cars ... coz goddamit.. they all look the same sans the minor differences like perhaps a logo maybe... sheesh... the lincoln aviator concept model and the lexus concept car looked like they were fraternal twins... not that they werent breath taking... but u want a lil variety ... it's like u walk into a jap restraunt expecting a kimono clad yellow female with a funny accent asking u if u want to try sushi... and u walk into a southern ranch expecting a blonde in flannels trying to coax u into getting honey garlic ribs ...

i think toyota's going to be serious competition with their FX cruiser for the Hummer H3... both of em looking pretty much the same .. the H3 is a poor man's hummer..no it's the danny de vito/joe pesci of hummers.... u wanna laugh at it ... then u think it might turn around and say something like "u think i'm funny"....

it was a good experience ... had my arse enjoy the comfort of the leather interiors of BMWs, Mercedes, Lexus, Audis, Jaguars, u name it ..my arse was loving it .. my nose couldnt stop thanking me ..each time i gorged in the new car smell ... lousy part was from ten thirty in the morning to 5 thrity in the evening as i straddled around from car to car ...i tried honking every one of those cars to find each and every one of em was disengaged... not even one that wasnt...

Like every Papillion.. has a Dustin Hoffman that out does the Steve McQueen ... my Dustin Hoffman was the CN Tower.. I get to Toronto a wee bit early.. i was expecting a huge line up for the tickets ... but i had acquired one with adequate ease ..and had loads of time to spare... so as i walk past the "Caution: Falling Ice at the Convention Centre" (sidetrack... have u thought what a freaking icicle from that height could do to u ... holy fuck... i didnt realize that until i was there...).. find a cpl of guys walking around as aim lessly as i was... they ask me are u here for the job fair... so i said yeah.... it starts a 9 so i hear.. and hey it was 8:30... i could kill some time.. and i thought there mught be some companys having their stalls setup and i walk around grab a pen or two and get the hell out there... lil did i know in the next 20 minutes there were close to 45 ppl there with resumes et al... humm ... nine comes rolling by ... i hop jump and skip in to the CN tower... and there's a questionnaire to fill out... after the elaborate screening of course... and then i see what's happening...they seem to be having a job fair for the positions at the CN tower... COOL!!! along comes a chick who gives us the ... hi there everybody ..thanks for coming to the job fair.. as a token of appreciation u get a complimentary pass to go thru the CN tower .. all day today... (now that's a sweet deal... it's like $35 something otherwise... ) so i see the questionnarie usual..facts and figures stuff.. and then i look at who they are hiring .. its for the 360 restraunt... didnt interest me... then there was a retail sales associate position... thought hey..yeah might as well... filled in my sheet... they ask me to proceed to the 360 restraunt for the interview... i mean ... WOW!! hey if u ever have a job interview... this one is the icing on the cake... on top of the CN tower.. it doesnt get better than this... so i have this guy call me over... we start our lil conversation ... and did i have this guy wrapped around me...i'm getting good at the fine art of bullshitting i must say..coz by the end of it .. the guy wasnt just impressed..but he couldnt hide it ...his poker face decimated... and i asked him off the record what were the odds... he said there were 15 positions.. 20 candidates yesterday.. but i was by far the best candidate he had interviewed...asked me to partake on some breakfast served in the lounge as my interview scores are tallied up ... and i wait hit on this cute chick sitting next to me ...nonchalantly talking to her abt the job description... [she actually wanted the job.. wasnt a con like me.]... Any way they call me in after a while... i have to go next saturday for an interview with the sales manager of the CN tower.. there's a speech and stuff i have to prepare it seems... i'm going do it just for shits and giggles...

Happy Together

"If I should call you up, invest a dime

And you say you belong to me and ease my mind

Imagine how the world could be, so very fine

So happy together"


The turtles sang that... "Adaptation" the movie ends with it playing in the credit roll... hummm .... there's a reason i mention the Nicholas Coppolla movie... for there was a time ... when i felt my life would decimate into one of those endings "Leaving Las Vegas" i pictured myself like that... alone.. washed out... a freak .. where no human soul cares... and better yet even you dont bother...
But like Sting said .... "Those days are over!!!" Today, It's the '05 version Arun u have in front of u ... it's going to be a quarter of a century on the planet very soon... have learnt from a lot of bitter realities ... Have been king of the world and scum of the universe ... have been traded in like a used car by some... fucked around like a crack whore by others ... but i have lived thru it all to tell the tales... But this year has been so freakishly different... my brain is being taken over ..i swear it ..it's like a fungus growing within and taking over the entire place...i clearly remember the 18 year old with all that anger... the 19 year old rebel without a cause... wow ... they seem like different ppl ... not that they aren't there any more .. but they dont control the place... this new guy is .. and u know what i'm beginning to like the new guy .. he doesn't push u around ... he's a 5 yr old at times... and it's all Strawberry Fields Forever..with him ... he takes a beating ...but is very Gandhian ... in the sense ..he'll cum back at u in the most ubsurd way... and take over... well enough abt the new guy ..if he's here to stay i'll introduce him later...

This is a formal thank you... to a cpl of ppl for helping me out with the week.....in ways u'd never know.... and my thank you to the new guy as well.....
in reverse order...

lemme say a big OMG!!! In the words of the Guverner of Hiroshima "WTF was that??!!!" to myself ... and a BIG 10q... to NG(Fri), ACJ(Wed), AJ(Tue), TD(Mon).... for calling me... It meant the world and more to me... you guys have no idea... what kinda days i was having... and how those cpl of minutes over the phone just brushed away all those worries and bothers and pains and pangs and stress of the day ... and u paste on that goofy smile ...and take all the shit coming at u ... just coz ..some one some where cared to remember ....lil ol' me ... and took time out for their schedules to talk to lil ol' me....... Awww..... isnt that the sweetest thing to happen ... I swear it is ............It just puts the zest back in life.. it just has given me the hope to put my trust back in ppl again ... hummm .... it's been a while ... and now that feels good... I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ... FOR IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME AND MORE....

I'll elaborate on the feeling more ... and lemme take off my work boots and live a lil... hummm .... if all goes well... perhaps a movie .. and the Int'l Auto Expo at Toronto ... tommorow... more to follow on the expo after i've attended it...until then ..hang on tight..

Fat Bottomed Girls

Ladies and Gentlemen ... Lemme wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day!!! Hope u've spread enough love and joy as can be begotten... well ...

how goes the world .... what makes the world go around ...
A> Fat Bottomed Girls...
B> Love...

for all u flaming fags out there who wish to empathize with Freddie Mercury... go ahead pick A.. as for the rest of us... yes "Love" does make the world fo round... love in all it's forms shapes colors and varieties... from u garden variety ...Kwik-E-Mart corner store love... to the more enduring Walmart love... to the designer boutique variety of love... in all it's merchandized forms ... love does make for the capitalist's bread and butter... as any Jewish Salesman would tell u abt love and sales... in the most Jerry Maguire-isque way possible "You Complete Me!!!" and us.. what abt us... well we ...we were had for at "Hello!"... I quote Col.Kurtz "The Horror, The Horror..."

But anyway... throwing the Cynic that i am back into the closet... it's great to be loved ..and in love ..and do stupid stuff in the name of love.... especially when u have someone special to do it for... it's just a outrageous display of how far u'd go... rather idiotic ... but the way those freaking chemicals that work in ur head make u do stupid things ... it's funny... all material goods lose their significance...if not for being and ornate expression of your deepest feelings... Yes.. Rhett Butler said it best, "Frankly my Dear I dont give a damn!!!" well maybe i do... so does Pooh.. and Hefalumps and Woozles...(good god where did that cum from)

work and lack of sleep and food .. and exhaustion.. does fucked up things to ur head... well... like all the other 24 valentine's day before this on the planet .. this one too bore no significant mark... that would make it remarkable in anyway whatsoever ...or did it???

Abre los ojos

Yes .. another day at work completed... waking up at 4:30 in the morning ... and working your fucking arse off building PLCs the size of mountains .... I mean it's moronic ... fuck you dont use your head to do anything.. it's just being dextrous and diligent from the beginning to the end .. where the only thing that matters is 1 64th of an inch precision in mounting equipment on to boards and stuff... Well there's one thing i've learnt ...this wont be something i want to do as a living ... fuck no... factory line work is no fun .. and is the sweat and blood of these men ...that has built the west.... years and years of blood and sweat ...and then squeezing taxes out of their hard earned pay checks ... is what has made the west what it is today... I tried the Michael Douglus "lunch is for wimps" on the first day.. then i fucking learnt ....the hard way ofcourse... that keeping up requires energy... and shit loads of it... man i'd be devastated if had to do this support a family... i'd break down and die... any sane thinknig individual shouldn't engage in slave labor... no matter how big the corp... and yeah ... i'm bitching and ranting alright... but it's good .. i've learnt my lesson ... and the good thing abt it being my dexterity and my clumsy fingers get a break...

Hey Jude...

Paul McCartney kinda revived yesterday night .. it was the least he could do.. considering most of us would want to see a wardrobe malfunction on his part... Would we now????

Any way if you belive in the concept that each of our lives have a soud track ...well "Hey Jude!" just became a part of mine ... the superbowl version was grand ..and splendid... but lil did i realize the next day at work i would have a Srilankan/Tamilian collegue named "Jude" (Figure that Avi!!!) ...

Well the guy was cool ... and he showed me around the placed and is my mentor ... I had a good long 9 hour shift with him... showed the brilliance ... and utter stupidity that "the Arun" can accomplish in the span of a day...

It seems i should be able to handle it ...it's mundane ... it's boring ... after all that's why they call it WORK!!! ... Well cya later ... readers ... that's all for now ... do be considerate enough to leave a stray comment .... it would do my ego a world of good!!!

I'm on the verge of the next step...

It's been a rather eventful busy week... with the usual KPI stuff and a whole load of meandering thru the miscellanious kinda thing ... nothing major just small little things ... and that's abt it ... hummm ... what more do i have to punch in .... i had a cpl of ideas the last time i had thought abt writing something ..but it got lost in transit... Oh well ... another day another time ... i'll see what happens..

As for now just a craving to scroll down something ..but nothing substanial... so lemme get along with what ever i was doing instead of thinking of ten different things at the same time..

In Good Company

YES... the movie was for every KIDult ..for every ADULT-escent out there... It was my movie... I liked it ...No i enjoyed it... Why coz i had this conversation with elke earlier in the day .. and we were talking abt this certain thing that we were talking abt ... my predicament ... or let's say this certain juxtaposition that i'm in ... it was as though the silver screen was playing it out to me... like i told her... the yr has engaged in some kinda re-wiring my inner circuitry ... where by im turning into this sap ... this uber-romantic of some kind... It's probably got something to with being on the planet for almost a quarter century now... well let's just say there's this agenda i've .. the Tony Montana philosophy of life has three stages... "In this country, first jou get the money, then jou get the power, then jou get the women."

In my lil domain .. in my narrow scope of reality .. the slice of life that i have gotta deal with ... well i'm working on it ... i've got pseudo-power ..that's power in terms of a title.. with no monetary kick backs.. but to get the positive aspect outta it let's just for arguement's sake say i've conquered the power domain ... and now it's the other two domain's that are left... money is over-rated.. in terms of monetary value pieces of ppr shouldn't dictate our lives... but it's the purchasing power of those pieces of ppr that dictate the course of our lives.. the direction ..the pursuit to those desires .. humm... vanity does play a part ... but none the less... it's when money is spent on the ones that we love that it turns into a beautiful thing... (i told u i'm romantizing even money).... well... yeah.. any way money... will come ..or it 'll go .. it isnt substanial how much we make or much we need... it's abt the good times at the end of it all.. that's what we live for ... and i'm pretty sure i've got it in me to take it all the way... now that leave's the final frontier... ok .... this is an open confession ... i think... or let me say i suppose i think i've an idea ...for somebody i want to spend the rest of my life with... have i asked this person ... NO!!! do i intend to tell this person any time soon ... NO!!! am i romancing this dream a lot ... YES!!! will it work out ..maybe... when do i intend all my loved ones to know abt it... 5 yrs from now... that's right FIVE years from now!! that's right... all decisions come 5 yrs from now... but there has to be some kind of pro-active participation in the involvement of a cpl or something of the sort .. i do agree... but i'm not ready... it's just a euphoric idea.. a concept that i'll be incubating till the time is right.... when will it be right.. I dont know... kinda silly.. aint I? yeah ..silly is what silly does... well any way ... like i said .. i'm this kidult.. who's not sure .. who's not yet ready... if relativity were a reality ... i could have engaged in a more pro-active approach... but it isnt.. and i carry on... will i tell any one ... any time soon.. i dont know... well i love it the way it is as of now... Amen..

Oscar '05

My Oscar predictions ..or who i'd like to see win ..

Best Director: Martin Scorsese

This man has made quite a few good movies in his haydays...Goodfellas, Taxi Driver, i say it's high time he get's his due...

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett

This woman has given us stalwart performances ... and among the lot she deserves it the most (she deserves 2 oscars come to think they gave one away to Haley Berry for Monster's Ball .. ohmygod.. that was a porn flick for crying out loud... all that female every did was cry and fuck...)

Best Supporting Actor: Morgan Freeman

As much as i want to see Jamie Foxx win, this guy deserves it ... Have u seen him in Shawkshank Redemption, Driving Miss Daisy, fuck he lost to Sean Connery the last time he was nominated in this category... i hope he wins this time

Best Actress: Annette Bening

She lost to Hillary Swank last time round... i think she's got a better chance this time round... and let's see how they vote this time ..tides might be in her favor...

Best Actor

this is a tough one ... as much as i loved Jamie Foxx in Ray ... i dont think they'll give it to him .... Sidney Poiter, Denzel Washington... Humm is it time for the academy to pick another black actor as the best i dont know ... the prejudices are not in his favor... Johnny Depp... this is his second nomination in a row ... and has he given outstanding performances tine and again... yes he has ... fuck he might just walk away with it this time... Leonardo Di Caprio ... the second biographical contender in the race... my .. he looks much better off this time ... better than his chances from the Gilbert Grape days... Clint Eastwood... he's 70 freaking 4 ..the man's come up to tell us ..GO AHEAD ..MAKE MY DAY!!! will the academy sway his way.. there's a good chance...

so my predictions for winning the esteemed title would be Eastwood, Depp, Dicaprio and Foxx in that order...

Collingwood Times...

Spent the weekend away on a ski resort ... Collingwood... like i said ealrier .. amazing place.. i've been to desert resorts.. beach resorts ... but lemme tell u this u've to have been at a ski resort to know what it's like ... It's a totally outta this world experience... Hell yeah... It was pretty nasty out there in terms of weather... -24C thru the course of the night sometimes a lil bit more with the wind chilll... but that's not too bad considering that Hamilton was hit bya snow storm and was blanketted by 3ft of snow... so there you have it ... i escaped the freaking white shit storm again... As for what i did there... i drunk my self stupid .. and then regained consciousness and then spent the next day smoking my self stupid... It was divine ... I pulled this chick from western university across the other chalet ... (a slip of the hand and she's a good two storeys away from the ground...) but hey i'm drunk and i give her a puff of my joint ... and away she comes... and then she sez it's her birthday and Anthony pops her beer... well .. she didnt stay for long until she left and we proceeded to their place.. well lets just say things got a bit blurry from their own .. i was stoned off my ass.... had loads of fun though... played a cpl of drinking games... and then hit the sack ...It was good...

today made my first pasta ever ... 'Food and Wine Digest' calls it a new frontier in Pasta... the Chicago Tribune says ..it goes where no pasta sauce has gone before.. The New Yorker calls it an orgasm in your mouth...[howz that for wishful thinkning]

Tyrolean Village

So I'm off to Tyrolean Village... As I hear of it...it's a ski resort on the base of Blue Mountain @ Collingwood. I'll be there over the course of the weekend...with all the MSA brigade ... We'll upto our usual round of "bored meetings"...and probably some snow boarding/skiing and a trekking session ...or a nature walk or something like that...

What's the weather like you ask... today Friday is Sunny at a High of -18°C. later tonight we'll have some snow and a Low of -24°C. The weekend will bestow upon us blowing snow at a Low of -24°C and High of -10°C... Brrr!!!!

As for the happenings of the week.... Avi has got his visa stamped.. Holy Fuck!!! Hallelujah... i gave him a call as soon as i heard... i was uber-thrilled...

Well.. that's it for now ... will punch in more details later.. have been seeing pretty weird dreams lately... now if they are re-occuring i'll punch it out...

K-OS

Yesterday night .... attended the k-os concert.. it was cool... great performance... awesome vibe .. loads of energy ..and it was a very vibrant world music with loads of blends kinda performance .....there was a lotta good energy ...

Ended up realizing something ... i'm turning into some uber-romantic of some kind... everything has freaking romantic overtones to it ..it's hilarious... freaking hilarious ... the inner softie is running the place... everything is u know kinda all abt the love and the peace .. and the harmony and shit... it's freaking awesome when ur high... but otherwise i hope somebody doesnt get a whiff of the inner moron running the place and catch me off guard... must be something to do with what shakesphere said abt the seven ages thing... if it's a passing stage ...i'm up to it .. otherwise ....urghh.... now that's a scary thought..

and i think i've broken my math-tutor jinx... Kathy came up to me yesterday .. and said she passed math... and not just border line but with a pretty good score... and said a big thank you and shit ... well... glad to hear that...maybe the blonde-math jinxed my jinx.. and was some kinda uber fuck up ..well any way it was a good feeling..

got a certifed graphologist to have a look at my handwriting .. and he told me some pretty neat stuff... some of it were bang on ....

as for today... Happy Birthday Chacha!!!

SiLK BOxERS

I feel great today.. Why because i feel i have been able to contribute to a better human life.. how well..let's look at it this way... you look back at your life and see your self in this particular period of time and see and feel or wished how perhaps things could have been better .. if only someone was there to look out for you.. someone was there to watch out for you .. i mean we've all at some point of time wanted it .. atleast i have.. since i've this unending need/desire/thirst that i cannot quench to empathise with ppl ..put myself in their shoes ... i guess it's my working strategy... put urself in the other persons shoes kinda thing.. see what they'd want ..they'd like done..any way to quit the rambling and to get specific...

Today January the 17th, 2005... happens to be Tina's birthday... she turns 17... WoW!!! a millennium ago i used to be 17... and in some odd way she reminds me of me... away from home ... in the middle of no where in a totally new place... with absolute strangers around you... with none of the comforts of home ...and further more unlike any of the other 16 birthdays you've had on the planet ..this one will be for the very first time that u are away from everything that was familiar to u.... kinda strangely odd... for the fragile mind of a 17 ... how did i feel abt it... i was for one not happiest ppl on my 17th... i was bitching and whining and complaining and oh jesus all that rage ...must have been the testostreone going bonkers... well... as i look at it... if there was any way i could make this kid's b'day any better than the one i had eons ago... being in the very same shoes she was in ... i had a handle of things .. but since it's me things have to have that extra bit of shall we say life's way of saying lemme see u get past that......the geographical disposition was going to be a setback ....

so thanks to that wonderful invention - the digital dog leash aka the MOBILE...i got in touch with a friend of mine... another acquaintance from when i was in those late teens ... we did a lil bit of growing up together shall we say... and i might add learnt quite a few life lessons from each other... saw some real nasty shit.. went thru stuff that moulded us into who we are today ... it must have the intensity of human emotions we shared together that a single cellphone conversation got him to set aside time for lil ol'me off his busy schedule...

and how does this grand plan of mine come to life.. i ask Deepak ... to go in search of the perfect gift ... well ... since i had this vague kinda idea that she might appreciate a CD ... being an Eminem fan in her haydays.. i honestly didnt know her present musical disposition as of today but only went with a gut feeling she might appreciate the idea behind it ...

why am i punching this all down.. i guess .. i'm putting some vanquished souls to rest...it's not demons .. it's this 17 yr old in me that needs to be heard ... that needs to live again..that needs to come to terms with life ...to be able to bring to rest that 17 yr old.. and move on ... that's what it's all abt.. and since it's a self less act that in all intentions is intended to mean more to her than it does to me .. it will in turn mean more to me...

well back to the actual happenings ... i sent deepak on an errand to get T a gift ..which i hear he was able to get her in time... and he tells me... talking to her reminded him of me.... see it's all abt that teenager we once were....and how we first met...uncanny as it may seem... and i guess being around em ...kinda sends u reliving it ..and puts that zest back in life... but the second time around ..u have that know-how of the boo-boos that happen the first time round.. so now the predicament is all abt do u wanna be a spoil sport and give em the parental NO! or the enjoy life u live it just once... right now i'm trying to be on both the boats.. it's a nehruvian dream of the mixed economy thing...the best of both worlds.. but we all know what happens is the kinda the opposite.. let's not side track here...

the point of the matter is... i'm offically calling `05 the year of love...the giving kind... i wanna be around ..in spirit in person .. a phone call ... an email... i have a lotta inner wounds that need healing... and i guess true human interaction with the ppl u love might be the only way to heal em... once again ...thank you life for giving me another chance...thank you friends for showing me what it means to be around.... thank you from the bottom of my heart....

the inner peace n tranquility i feel.... to put into persepective... you might just metamorphasize in to matter... Imagine ... every man on the planet wearing Silk Boxers.... that's how divine it feels.....the pure symphony of SILK BOxERS!!!

Wee.... Pee.... Lakshmikutty

Yes ladies and gentelmen there you have it .... The year has greeted me with another title... I'm MSA Wee.... Pee.... Lakshmikutty... for those of you who didn't get it... MSA VP Exec... Mohawk Student Association Vice President Executive... I got the nomination package on the 12th at 10am... came back an hour and half later... with 75 ppl that had signed off ... i had it made... but i thought i might have some one running against me ... but what do you know.. i just got thru ...

It's GOODDDDDDD!!!

"CHIN-ju Node ChodheEe Queue"

I'm back after a much needed break ... I feel rejuvenated... I feel nourished ... I feel GOOOOOOOOOOOOD......... It's been ages since that's happened but lemme tell u this it's an awesome feeling....

Unlike how I usually land up next to a grumpy ol'fart .. this time my flight was different ... I had a decent chick sitting next to me on my flight from dammam to amsterdam ... and what was my first utterence... to her... (i must admit she was looking rather uptight...) ..I said... "For starters ... I Snore... ".. and lo and behold she bursts out laughing ... which i guess was a good sign.. any way .. stirred up a healthy conversation ... the flight were late but not horrendously so ... i had the usual array of hiccups i have at airports across the globe especially in saudi arabia... but years of trying to tame this donkey has been anything but successful for the saudis.... so here i am unscathed by the tribulations that would bring mere mortal passengers to their knees...

As for my holiday... it was by far the best one i've had in this quarter century on the planet... Yes... THE BEST holiday yet.. It came at a time when i needed it the most .. IT had all the ppl i needed to see and be with the most ... we did all the things that holidayers should do ...and it was my little trip to an utopia we created ... we nourished and bade our farewells to .. and i guess each of us will treasure in his or her minds in his or her ways the exact recreation of it all ...as for what was this perfect holiday like ... that is a question for which u'll have to: "CHIN-ju Node ChodheEe Queue"

Karma Accountant

It's great to start the year with the karmic ledgers balnced out ..and you ring in all the good karma to jump start the year... I mean it's family and friends ..they're just NOS for your karma... All the positive good energy around you ...this must be heaven... yes i must be on the 'Stairway to Heaven' ....

When dreams aspirations and the little things in life that you've hoped for just come true ... It's so uplifting ..it makes you believe.. believe..in people ... in love .. in hope... in the virtues of the human spirit... i'vent felt so good about myself... about the people around me ... about each and every single thing about life... ever... i guess.... If this is a sign of the happy times in life... I'm grateful ... For everything.. for this moment ..for all the people i've met along the way... for all the learning experiences in life i've had...

To aspire of anything of me ..of what i can and could have had eluded me ... but now ... I feel re-energized ...yes ...the vigor the vitality the spirit and zest for life ... to face life head on ... to take up every obstacle there is to come ...and what is the kryptonite you need to keep you going... All you need is to remember the sweetest cutest innocent gurgling babies around you...how they waddle around and talk in that divine baby tongue only babies can ...and how you remember how those kids you used to carry around just till yesterday are as big or bigger than you ... how those tadpole like hairless babies of yesterday ...cum up with the cutest jokes today....babies/kids ... it's just amazing how much karmic energy they possess.. the spirit of innocence... each time they call out your name ..they fill you with all that is their's and more...much more..... An epitome of love.....when they call out to you... it's just divine... to feel wanted ..how i cherish the caring the giving the currency to immortality ... Innocence... the schemes they hatch... their mickey mouse infatuations ...the chuckling laughter .... oh god...lock me up in this time warp where all that happens are these events over and over again...

I've always been the big 1..... never was i the one who could get away with a a shrill scream.... I'd always to give way to the younger ones .. in the process some where along the way the resentment and why me died ..giving way to the eternal big brother.... and for once in my life i'm so happy about it.. i'm in tears.... to ave had everyone under one roof... for these cpl of days ...days i cross my heart not to forget as long as my memory doesnt fail me......in each of their eyes i see me...saying doing something i once did .. i once said....and to be around when they want me would be nice... but i've never truly been a proactive part in their lives have i .. if there is ever a new year's resolution i'd like to take is to be a more active part of their lives ... who am i kidding.... the circle of life has eluded me from the major part of their lives so far.. will they accept me... or am i too old to be included... have they shown me the door .... or am i that weird wacko who shows up once in awhile ... and then just disappears to em....i guess i can always go back to that land of make believe in my head for solace and comfort...or if the new year is any sign of things to come ... there might be a tsunami in the channels of communication....

my life has taken quite a few detours ...but i learnt it's never a race with anyone but yourself... and i've battled a lot of my inner demons ..exorcized those fears that kept haunting me ... it's a matter of conviction i guess... and it's taken quarter of a century....for me to get somewhere in the vicinity of ..or so i think...

Let me come to a close ....with words from Luhrmann:

"Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. "

I Love You

I truly believe ...I belong to a community of people that comprise the greatest group of buddies that exist on the planet ... and if there was ever an exercise to prove the fact of well we get along .. how much we bond .. of much we enjoy each others company of how truly we share amoungst ourselves the enduring aspect of what as grown way beyond the confines of friendship ... it was the night of revelery we had celebrating christmas eve/new years... It is in the proximity of the heart soul and sweat.... that one experiences the true joys of life...

I could clutter sentences with adjectives of the highest denomination in trying to express what would not even come close to the shallow end of how much fun we had together... it's times like that the true meaning of the of the power of the human spirit is witnessed.... Together we have championed every human emotion ... And that makes me feel good .. It makes me innately happy... I feel elated ..so very in fact .. it is an almost divine experience...

I thank the cosmos to have let it occur... I thank every one for being there... I am deeply indebted to my folks friends and family for everything that has happened and is due to happen...

thank you .. Thank You.. Thank You.....

I love you ......

Tis the season to be jolly..

Now how long has it been since I last posted anything.... And what's happened in the time that has a preceded.... Well for starters I'm on the other side of the Globe... I had my exams... There's been the hardest hitting tsunami that's graced the planet in the last 40 years... So what have I've been doing??? I don't know ... For starters I'm in a happy place...I'm with ppl I grew up with/around.. kids who've been born around me ...I'ven't the slightest clue when all of us are going to be under the same roof again ... But here and now seems too precious to leave out.. The festive season does add to the whole ambience...

Maybe when I'm sitting back to look back it ... I'll describe what happened in more precise detail... As for now......

I love you guys.... Avi , Ajnu, Tina, Neetu, Acchu, Jamie, Joel, Akhil,Noel....

Merry Christmas ...You kids are the greatest...

In the Midnight Garden of Good & Evil...

I'm Arun's Enraged, Inflamed Sense of Rejection

here I am ... blogging ... coming to terms with what it does for me ... what it's about ... how ppl all over the globe ave traken up this ritual..to express their innermost selves.. bashfully nonchalantly candidly ..amorphously turning it into an artform ... blog are the literary classics of the 21st century.. reading blogs is a truly euphoric experience .. ppl share their inner most thoughts with such vigor..with much soul.. it's a form of writing where i find the heart finds it's way out into the wolrd.. blogs; ports or portals rather of emotion... where past memories ..present worries and future dreams meet... why do i blog? a fight clubsque elucidation would be .. when the chronicles 'Arun's Enraged, Inflamed Sense of Rejection' need release ... Alcohol and Narcotics supress that feeling for a while; but the whole blogging process kinda relaxes the inner self .. a kind of ...search for the 'why am i so fucked up?' ..'is is ok to be this fucked up'... i hate rambling about what i am going thru.. it's the bloody self loathing, self hate, self pity state of being that i want to run awa y from ... but then again ..will i ever be able to .. ageis catching up on me.. i feel worthless.. almost pitiful .. i have acquired nothing in this pathetic human existance.. i have lost all my treasured possessions .. and keep losing any of what i acquire... it's horrible .. to top it off the irrefutable arrogance... the the condescending demeanor..the anarchist spirit.. the intimidating attitude...oh ! they've just accumulated over the years ... no human relationship of susbstance has crossed my wretched existance.. fuck ... fuck...... fuck..... what is there to talk abt ...when u have no one to talk to ... am i losing it....i guess so..... is it just the day to day stress and strifes of my well being ... i'm not too sure..... i answer how r u with a blank i dont know these days... it's true...

back after another dose of reading blogs my old passion of reading has found a new avenue rather .......reading sotroes from other ppl's lives.. ppl with lives very much like mine.. nothing over the top.. nothing overtly pathetic...just the same kinda stagnating blatant shit....... where human relationships as we knew it has turned into a reminiscent of a jewish concentration camp... misquoting a blog i read .... my friends and folks and life as i knew it has seized to exist and this mutated being that lives today is just a faint shadow what used tobe and what could have been.....

oh well... all that self bashing has done more than enough damage to my already returbed ego... i'm done for now......

And Then There Were None...

There are several a times when the mind is overwhelmed to come up with solutions; finite solutions; probable plausible solutions; to bewildering predicaments. Problems find themselves leading to solutions without a certain element of hardship. But what governs the amount of stress and strain that we are to be subjected to. What is the measure of this threshold? And what good is having a threshold greater or lesser than the medicore...

When do we take a hold of ourselves...and "Snap Out Of It".. or do we wait for Cher to slap us! Are we all endowed within this life time to come across our own versions of Cher..

"Science says: before anything else, love yourself, for everything in the world is based on personal interest."
- Lujin of Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment

Cui bono

Sometimes the state of affairs in your life, kinda baffles those of us who try to make some sense out of it... And for those of us trying not to it remains to simple and plain .. I dont get it ... i simply dont get it... How difficult is it for ppl to acknowledge you for the right u do and the good that comes out of it .... yet how little u have to do to have em at ur throats as u fumble... Disgusting... absolutely... why do those u who whine never look around u ... to see what every one else is going thru.... why is the threshold of pain and suffering not the same across the entire race.... why do those of us who are persecuted have to be in such enormous quantities....

Bah! i'm done.....the ranting is getting me no where in particular... but a release of some of this negativity is of utmost need... to string together the strands of sanity that is left....

arbiter elegantiae

There's something about people, that kind of resonates through time. People recollect images of public figures or other people in general on the basis of a singular event. One event in time can change how the rest of humanity is going to percieve about from now to the end of time. And no matter how great or small your achievements after the incident you shall always be remembered for that first make or break. And you're stuck with it.

Monica Lewinsky can come up with the cure for AIDS and Cancer, but she'll always be remembered as the greatest knob gobbler of all time. David Hasselhoff may have sold millions of records in Germany and the rest of Europe... but for the rest of the world he's no more than the guy from Knight Rider (if u were a TV viewer from the 80s) or Baywatch (alright i'm ancient ... for u 90s viewers)...

But what if, those people/events in history were to have had slight fuck ups ...Or slight variations? What if fat man and/or little boy didn't detonate? [What a FUBAR that could've been]... What if Oswald missed? [Yeah! I know the fella in the grassy knowles would've made it...] What if Lennon/Morrison/Hendrix/Cobain.. didn't die their ill fated deaths? There are too many what-ifs to ponder over? I'll leave that to you oh beloved audience of mine..add'em as comments ....

But lemme leave u with this one particular thought.......if Clinton had a gay affair.. would the american political instituition have left him in power? Would the world have taken to it as it as just a case of promiscious behaviour? i'd like to hear your opinions......... punch in ur responses.....

Specto Vulgus

The weekend was rather eventful.. I was at the Rankine Power Plant in Niagra... A 100 year old damn built on the Niagra Falls... It was divine ... Especially the board roam..Wow... most office space dwelling Dilberts dream of a window.. this place had the Falls to look at .. Does it get any better than that? The place had history reeking out of every nook and cranny ... Your talking the very walls within which allegedly Tesla and Edison had a fist fight over whther AC or DC would be the way to go... We all know who won that one... Italian Marble for the Switch Panel boards... Brass Relays .... Turn of the century electricity generation... People who barely knew what they were dealing with were generating power and making a hefty profit selling it out to the infant giants of the Industrial Revolution... Amazingly spectacular to see one of the corner stones of power generation that the world has seen... The hydro-electric project that was truly from an eon ago ..with none of the sophistication that you see today..yet doing a Herculean task... Mind you they used an operating frequency of 25 Hz... and they do generate 0.3 MW of power even today to supply Washington Mills and Stelco who use it for their Arc Furnaces. Up until recently there was a turn of the century cinema hall in upstate NY that had the 25Hz operating frequency used on their arc projectors for their shows... No wonder yhose Chaplin movies seemed all fucked up...

Anyway 100 feet under the damn dam... there i was in the damp humid bottom of this massive shaft running right thru ... The magnanimous size of the place just leaves u awestruck... An engineering wonder... no words could do justice to the kind of blood and sweat that has gone into running a mammoth of this size..Cheers !!! to all those unsung heroes who made it happen... Any way i walk away with a nut that was one of the many hundreds that hold the rusty old shaft that runs like a massive cock that penetrates the core of the earth ........

After that escapade i set out on an escapde which i must say i truly enjoyed... I turned into an anthropologist on a quest to find what drives people to behave in a certain way in public....

There i was at the falls... with this cattle of ppl walking past me .. coming to a halt in front of that railing that must have been touched by millions of ppl ...(Think of finger print analysis of the site... the amount of microbes....)..Any way beofre i get off on that tangent.... Toursits from all over the place arrive at the site to do the very same thing... Take a picture of themself in front of this piece of geography... and the way it's done is exactly the same they fake a smile in that lens... and try immortalize themself.. Probably to satisfy the vanity within...

The visitors themselves could be categorized... there were the families.. the kids who were hungry and wanted to eat ... the kid who wanted that $49.99 slnky ball in the store and was howling its brains off... then there were the kids who wanted to pee...

Then there those who bring their moms and dads along ..u know when it's the guy's folks... the chick's body language just sez.. i hate that ol'hag... and u know it's the chick's folks..the guy's like when the fuck are we going to leave ... it's hilarious ... just sit there and look at these ppl ... it's the same genric display of feelings... The son who wants to so desperately have his son and mom to take a pic together... Why ..so that that kid can look back and see this image of grandma.. a person who this photograph is going to be the only surving relic of ever being a part of his life... And there's the over protective mom who doesnt let the kid peep over the railings .. coz she's freaking out ... each stereotype imaginable in society is there to be viewed in all their splendour... After the family crowd withered away i shifted my attnetion to the yuppie cpls... their hormone levels were too high to engage in any other activity but perhaps what a rabbit could keep up with... Trust me from the meagre holding hands to humping I saw it all ...

The sheer spectacle of people was much more entertaining and enthralling than any movie, song, dance, drug enhanced euphoria..... I had always felt the same about airports... which is going to my next ppl viewing place...

Trainspotting in the Synaptic Realm

I was waiting for that moment where from within comes that geyser of an energy to jot down a power blog ... yes, it's been 22 days since i could actually figure myslef in front of this machine to punch something down... How has it been in those 3 weeks... 4 hours of sleep..on a mon-fri basis.. with a scheduled drinking time ..makes it bearable... nothing to complain abt .. just some growing pains ..and at certain moments ...moments of vulnerability .... there upon arrives this cloak to blind you ..and stab you with the feelings of loneliness, despair and all the other carnal sins that can be conjured up ...

And in one such fit of despair ... i tried to look around at the kids and hear watz up with em... (ajnu, avi,t,etc...)...it's kinda weird i feel ancient... i've seen been or done what these kids are experiencing as of when we speak .. and there'sn't a thing i can proactively contribute to making a difference... it would have been great if geography didn't separate us in this way.. to quote Baz Luhrmann,"Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young." And the urge to do so just fills me up ...

I'm drifting off into a world of my own.... there are imaginary ppl there ... there are my versions of ppl there... it's all i have ... an enclosure in the synaptic realm....

Right now i'm waiting in that train station in that synaptic realm waiting for the next abstract thought to come my way... how long is my wait i dont know... where will my ride take me ...i havent a clue... will it be there... i sure do hope so...

i am "tHe fOOl"...

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Feelings....

it kinda baffles me at times ... the emotional rides that go thru my head.. what was i thinking off at the time.. if that faculty was functional at the time.. Here are my present predicaments .. if all it takes to conjure up emtions with in the human brain is a couple of meural synapse reactions to a varying array of correspondong reactions to high dopeamine and testosterone levels with low serotonin levels... then why does love evade those who crave it ..... and where does the chemical spectrum end and the human element kick in... and wher do the human vices like greed envy wrath and all those lucartive human factors figure in ...

so when biologists talk abt breaking down romance and love into chemical ingredients .. will the ever be capable of doing so? and when poets talk abt the unending nature of love itself
..will they be ever proven wrong... where does one draw the line.. when do we figure out how to manipulate our inner structure..to irradicate the inner feelings of hate and frustration... or fury and anger....

As for now cannibus will have to do...

AILFs

An intergallatic sex trade worker.... Or a hyperspace pimp... or life forms from another realm brought to our time domain for the sheer purpose of sexual gratification .... Gladiators fighting for their lives in intergallatic arenas.... Would the future of the human race be free from these kinda ideas... Would porn involve mutants with green seminal fluids and purpule vaginal discharge...... How would treat this third race of beings on our planet...

Their sheer purpose of existance being for the purpose of recreational sex .. or if our genetic engineers employ their true potential give them access to un human strength and no sleep requirements ... where they are not truly cyborg and not exactly aliens on intergallatic sex permits ...would there be technosexuals with online simulations of aliens ...would AILFs be the in the thing.. would the arabs marry this new race? would the queers accept them... would the hindu fundamentalists deprive the access to the country... would the colombians use them for drug trafficking... would the palestinians get them to throw stones for them... would the taliban cover them up... would the republicans enroll em as a potential vote bank for dubya in florida?

Would Pepsi Coke Microsoft McDonalds and the Catholic Church be still around.... or what if they all amalgamated into a united entity ..run by Pope William Gates III...

ScAm of the Universe...

From the creation of time; if there is an an we humans have engaged in. I guess that would be scheming... Scamming to sucker the fool out of his money... out of his wealth .. out of his position of prosperity ... and acquire it... hey Lucifer played Eve... Cain played Abel... we've been scammed out of our wits .... and is there anything that has been done about the predicament .. We get fucked over and over and over and over again...... Yet each time round .. we end up doing the same thing... bend over and take it in ...

Through the course of the last century we saw Operation Mince Meat fool the all mighty Third Reich... Sell the Eifel Tower... not once but twice... stock markets and fool hardy entrepreuners run into scammers and con artists all the time ...

Ever think what the Matchstick men of tommorow are going to be like? What are their deals going to be... How r they going to scheme you out of your money?

"A plot of land in downtown Mars... Oxygen pipeline to your house ... with that underground waterbed 16 km under the surface you have nothing to worry about .. it's a great spot .. the kids can go to college in Jupiter.... The Uranus University is reknown throughout the Universe... It's an ideal location ... My wife works at the Uranium plant in Pluto and she's back from work in 1.6 Parsec. You should check out the condominium we have going for sale right now... Work will start by the end of the intergalatic calender year... Just as soon as our hyper market project in Neptune is completed ..we should start this one... it is bound to sell out on the galatic online bid. The virtual tour will let you have a feel for the location... So what do u say? Shall we seal the deal?"

One Thing

What is loud? When your testicles jump around in merriment with the sheer thud of the bass.. and the ears are no longer responsible for maintaining your hearing privilages any more .... yeah that's when i'd call it loud... standing right in front of 14 feet speakers ...with music blaring out of it at ungodly decibel levels ....

What is being close to the lead singer of the band? When the lead guitarist jumps around on stage soaked in his sweat ... and does a lil head banging session .... and the beads of sweat fly into your direction to be captured by the lenses of your glasses.... YEAH !!! you're close enough.... Hey i went a mile further... i was moving around their equipment for 3 hours after the whole concert was over .. way past after the groupies had left.. with the crew and the techies ... It was awesome...

So what am i rambling about.... I was at the Finger 11 concert yesterday night.... and it was down right awesome... loud live music rules.... apart from being not just drunk enough ... (2 pitchers of beers ) humm.... it was great...

Well .. that's 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours or more ... gosh i'm still kicking and screaming ... i had a booking made for a short xmas break ... i dont want to pin my hopes on it too much...

Oh well !! that sums it up for the night and the happenings of the day...Cheerio...

Sniffles of Silence

When the days are crowded with mundane daily activites that drain the life force out of you... It takes quite a lot of dedication and effort to come up with some alone time .. or to do something that makes you feel satisfied... If the intention of this piece of writing was that ..and if this is any sign of what life in the days to come is going to be like I wonder...What if romance like all other pleasures of life tends to take the back seat over the passage of time... When priorities change.... when turning over to the other side of the bed for 40 winks is considered a better alternative than a sweaty session of sordid love making...

Weird .... but if such is the entropy of the state of our being why is there nothing done about it ..Why doesnt man turn away from those activities that turn us into morbid drones... How do we go about enthralling ourselves and our sense of being or well being perhaps... to shatter the narrow domestic walls ...that governs society and sanity and all those jurisdictions that are perhaps the very threads that keep the wheels of society moving and turning .... as each of us yearn to dwell in a euphoria of our own ... to set forth on endeavors that are worth more .. that fill the cups of our spirits.....

But it shouldn't be such the case that we dwell in our own scheluded lil' worlds where none have privy to .. We shouldn't let that inner child in us perish for the sake of all those other goons... And never let us wander off into the blue yonder where the skies kiss the seas in that immortal plane where the worlds merge...

The Purple Danube

The ways of the world are beyond human comprehesion or is it mere state of being that we set our selves fall into. To let the oppresser's keep doing their thing and the suppressed ones keep feeling dejected... How wrong is it to rebel? what causes the rebel in all of us to function at different levels ... How different am i from the starving child in Ethiopia ... The child prostitute in Bangkok.. The drug peddler in Colombia..or Paris Hilton for that matter... what laces in the Karma in all of our well being to fragment out for that matter into various parts of the spectrum of human existance... from sher pitiable ..to absolute riches... how justified is the human race in matters of their well being...

My personal vendetta lies in the fact that health, education and food should never have turned into saleable commodities... and when the victorian norms of society; not to mention the curse of organized religion that we have subjected ourselves to .. over the centuries we have blanketed ourselves with their norms rules and regulation to make us function as a sane society ... well wake up and smell the coffee ... Sex Sells.... look around u prostitution, pornography, BDSM, homosexuality, this and all the other millions of variations of the norms and problems we have created outta turning sex into a big BOO-boo... had we let things the way the dravidian indians, the ancient greeks the incas and mayans left it ... maybe we would have progressed at a better peace .. rather than the turmoil of wars and exploitation.. and human sufferrring that we have gone through in the centuries in between...

poetry blended with a dash of rhythm ( math) makes music.... and those of us humans with any emotions left in us know Music speaks to us in a language quite different from any other spoken tongue .. it deals with a seperate area of our thinknig faculty all together... isnt it those simple pleasures of life we should tap into and maintain a sane state of being...

that was a tangent in thought train right there ... so any more coherent information to flow thorugh out of this endeavor seems highly unlikely .. coz there's a part in me that kicks in to sa i'm bored let's do something else all the time ... call it the untamed inner soul.. the inner child that pretty much rules the place ....yeah more than likely... so that sums it up for the day ...

it was the first day back in college... was pretty good... lots of eye candy... 2 pitchers of beer... and got thru the day amen...

A Vagabond's Guide to the Astral Planes

I'dn't believe it myself initially but now that i've done the reading up .. I'd haveto acceptit .. I did have acouple of Astral Projections.. and it was spectacular... on the last encounter though i did hear a conscious part of me tell me i'm not ready for the rest of the journey... i was soaring through the skies .. beyond the yonder.. into an unknown universe the cool breeze of the wind fluttering by was amazing .. i was hanging on to bar of some kind .. sort of like handgliding ..into this cosmic realm.. and quite a while into the journey the astral self gave way to the fears of the conscious self and my journey ended...

Initally i thought of them as just dreams... but now that i look at it ... that imaginary city that i fly through... the neon green lights of the futuristic city out of some neo-cortex, or a fractal plane of some kind ... i travel through it ... i was sceptical of the first few journeys .. but then i remembered haing been here befoer .. and i was hovering over the terrain over and over again till the geographic dispostion was second nature to me.. i guess i gained canfidence in myself over this region and it wasnt till later that i went on to that other journey...

If they were what i think they are.. i'd truly appreciate more of such experiences and suggest everyone i know of to strive towards attaining it ..

Chicken Soup For The Horny Soul

There you have it ... Here I am finally punching out something fiarly readable and coherent... Amoung the vast majority of ideas and thoughts that has had my mind walloping through .. I have come to terms taht not punching it down is not working in my favor but rather a look at it in the verse does mend and tend to the dilapidated soul with in...

So where do i begin ... The last couple of days has been rather hectic to say the least... been busy with college activities... Orientation and stuff... the honest to god truth is to get away from the solitary confinement i call my residence... now that i dont enjoy a really hard core solitary confinement... But for a guy who has been a Vagabond since he was 16.... i lived on my own since... and 8 years later people put a curfew on you ... what time you get home .. how much of access you get to a PC... how much of TV you watch .... low and behold here me rumble .... ,,,, ... there you have it ... my response.... ppl keep asking me why they dont see me online why i aint doing stuff like download a movie or two a teleseries or two a game .. a cpl of 1000 mp3s.. coz i fucking dont have access tothe one true love of my life ... a Computer god damn it.... Hey i remember when i was in any solitary confinement ..back home in jeddah, my PC died on me for no particular reason and i couldn't get it work after half dozen fuck fests i had with it .. so i had sent down to the shop and i get back home... i wake up in the morning and for once i felt alone and scared being alone... so i walked down to Avi's place... now is that a sign of how pathetic i am... and now they tell me i cant have a PC to access at my own leisurely pace.. fuck that shit Fecal dissmissive!!! ... Oh well !!! When life kicks me in the nuts i've learnt not to take it lying down there ... been around the bloack far too many times to know that... I get right up ..maybe it takes a while but i'm back at game... I feel like a cornered animal most of the time... People push me into that corner.. and i hybernate in there ....in that distant lonely corner of mine away from humanity ..turing into an agorophobic... is it doing me any good .. i highly doubt it ... but atleast that way i get to collect my thoughts and come back at you.. and honest to god.. u dont want to be on the wrong side of the fence when i'm out on the prowl...

The number of times i've lost the simple pleasures of life is unfathomable... I hear stories from the kids i love .. and i shudder within .... tragic ...absolutely pathetic i thought i carried the cross for them all... Leaving home at 16 isnt pleasant ... far from it rather .. and today the scars have healed .. u've picked at the scabs long enough... and you thought it had all come to an end... In the words of Michael Corleone.. Just when you thought it was all over.. they pull u back in ... Jethro ...my baby brother u didnt have hose tears u did... u dont have to go thru the pain of losing family ... that was supposed to be all over.. Tearing the fabric of family and dispersing it over the globe is the most hiedous crime one can ever come it .. take siblings away from each other in the prime of their youth... absolutely catstophic... it must be the work of satan... it must be the cain and abel he wants us to dwell with in each of us... the sheer agony of it all...

those kids are so full of love for each other and the people around them.. one look into their eyes and u can see an eternity of love fly by ...why have they forsaken thee? and here in the artic capitalist jungle.... a latchkey generation breeds where love is a FMCG..and lasts only as long as u can provide with em the item on the shelf with all the bells and whistles... they lack the glow in the eyes ... u see and void ..a darkness.. an incomprehensible generic garble that was picked up from the boob tube is what reiterates for spoken language... there is no finesse .. no true picture of their emotions ... their gestures capture nosings of happiness.. it's so shallow... it hurts to see the slime bags pursue their lives ....disgusting... and even more so is the fact there are those amidst them who mimmick this scavenger way of life... how much lower down the food chain and circle of life can u go...

As the average reader can feel the venting of negative energy ... which is my last goal out of this ... i shall get back at this when my mind can conceive a angelic creature .. and not the demonicbeast that will most likely be the beast of this fornication ...

Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.

Here I am ... I'm at a juncture in time .. where in I shouldn't be .. how do i put it.. I'dnt know ..it's totally fucked up... Nothing colateral has occured .. but all that has is enough to send me spinning whirring and wired up for an eternity.. I didnt have to hear a series of crying over the phone.. it did me no good.. and how much of good is coming out of the whole ordeal.. none that i know of... but here we are at it again... Bah.. i dont want to rant about it.. too much of negatvitiy is the only thing bound to come out of it....

"Sunishcitam Aashcaryavat"

Half Blood Pauper

How weird is it for people to have a ten(that's just a number) faces ... I mean how on earth and how fake and stupid is it that we have to continually keep selling ourself as something we are not ... Is it worth the hassle we go through... do we lose track of who we are ...in this chaotic commotion ...is it like do we all get a chance to be John Malkovich... and when we eventually turn into Malkovich do we forget ourselves completely does it reach a point of no return where we turn into a shallow pitiable Gollum of our previous selves... Is that what greed and selfish vanity does to each of us?

Look around you ...you find mutated freaks ... Freaks who don't remember who they are where they came from where they are headed to why they turned into this vulgar grotesque human form... Indeed a matter worth pondering over... How much of pain should be inflicted upon each of us to be tempered into that perfect human ... Is the die we are all cast in so different that some of us are scouraged over and over again to bemuse some the creator... Is this hand picked society that we have been made to dwell in .. the people we have been asked to work with live with ..upto his discretion... Then why does he show the tip the tip of the iceberg and take it all away from you.. Is this life a compilation of trailers and teaser trailers previews and glimpses into a time that will be.. or a hallucigin induced present is the only way we can experience it....

Rastafarian Overstanding...

Yes ... I've come to realize that any wish made fortha true desire and a noble cuase shall be answered ....For there lies no Bad Karma to bring upon the demise of a true wish... It was an awakening of the inner self.. undescribable...if youve'nt witnessed it on your own... Barricades open themselves and let tehe flood gates barge in to bury away...

Life gives you another chance to get back at the stuff you want to .. if u hang around with the will long enough.. It kinda tends to show you that amidst all the storms that it can brew up if u persevere...

Honestly it's been a while since some kinda inner tranquility has been restored... atleast temporarily.. It felt good... and it's been so long since that has happened...

Cynicorcist: The Beginning

Strange isn't it ... the way people behave ...over time how we change... for better or for worse.. how indecisive we are ... It's intriguing... Life has taken it's rollercoaster ride yet again.. and I'm reigning in the pure uncertain premise of my life... I find the simplest of tasks at hand admonishing at times. Nonetheless I've had enough of the "Why hath Thou forsaken me?" attitude... I've been walking away for way too long.. I'm surrounded my nothingness in terms of people and realtionships... I could truly exhault my self to the status of being the loneliest person on the planet... But then again it's in that solitary confinement that I feel content. So am I Rubin Carter waiting to turn into a Papillion ....

I'm a wretched soul tormented by the slightest pertext ...wilting wimpering wondering... if there shall ever be a Phoenix to come about from this... to exorcize the demons within...