In the Midnight Garden of Good & Evil...

I'm Arun's Enraged, Inflamed Sense of Rejection

here I am ... blogging ... coming to terms with what it does for me ... what it's about ... how ppl all over the globe ave traken up this ritual..to express their innermost selves.. bashfully nonchalantly candidly ..amorphously turning it into an artform ... blog are the literary classics of the 21st century.. reading blogs is a truly euphoric experience .. ppl share their inner most thoughts with such vigor..with much soul.. it's a form of writing where i find the heart finds it's way out into the wolrd.. blogs; ports or portals rather of emotion... where past memories ..present worries and future dreams meet... why do i blog? a fight clubsque elucidation would be .. when the chronicles 'Arun's Enraged, Inflamed Sense of Rejection' need release ... Alcohol and Narcotics supress that feeling for a while; but the whole blogging process kinda relaxes the inner self .. a kind of ...search for the 'why am i so fucked up?' ..'is is ok to be this fucked up'... i hate rambling about what i am going thru.. it's the bloody self loathing, self hate, self pity state of being that i want to run awa y from ... but then again ..will i ever be able to .. ageis catching up on me.. i feel worthless.. almost pitiful .. i have acquired nothing in this pathetic human existance.. i have lost all my treasured possessions .. and keep losing any of what i acquire... it's horrible .. to top it off the irrefutable arrogance... the the condescending demeanor..the anarchist spirit.. the intimidating attitude...oh ! they've just accumulated over the years ... no human relationship of susbstance has crossed my wretched existance.. fuck ... fuck...... fuck..... what is there to talk abt ...when u have no one to talk to ... am i losing it....i guess so..... is it just the day to day stress and strifes of my well being ... i'm not too sure..... i answer how r u with a blank i dont know these days... it's true...

back after another dose of reading blogs my old passion of reading has found a new avenue rather .......reading sotroes from other ppl's lives.. ppl with lives very much like mine.. nothing over the top.. nothing overtly pathetic...just the same kinda stagnating blatant shit....... where human relationships as we knew it has turned into a reminiscent of a jewish concentration camp... misquoting a blog i read .... my friends and folks and life as i knew it has seized to exist and this mutated being that lives today is just a faint shadow what used tobe and what could have been.....

oh well... all that self bashing has done more than enough damage to my already returbed ego... i'm done for now......

And Then There Were None...

There are several a times when the mind is overwhelmed to come up with solutions; finite solutions; probable plausible solutions; to bewildering predicaments. Problems find themselves leading to solutions without a certain element of hardship. But what governs the amount of stress and strain that we are to be subjected to. What is the measure of this threshold? And what good is having a threshold greater or lesser than the medicore...

When do we take a hold of ourselves...and "Snap Out Of It".. or do we wait for Cher to slap us! Are we all endowed within this life time to come across our own versions of Cher..

"Science says: before anything else, love yourself, for everything in the world is based on personal interest."
- Lujin of Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment

Cui bono

Sometimes the state of affairs in your life, kinda baffles those of us who try to make some sense out of it... And for those of us trying not to it remains to simple and plain .. I dont get it ... i simply dont get it... How difficult is it for ppl to acknowledge you for the right u do and the good that comes out of it .... yet how little u have to do to have em at ur throats as u fumble... Disgusting... absolutely... why do those u who whine never look around u ... to see what every one else is going thru.... why is the threshold of pain and suffering not the same across the entire race.... why do those of us who are persecuted have to be in such enormous quantities....

Bah! i'm done.....the ranting is getting me no where in particular... but a release of some of this negativity is of utmost need... to string together the strands of sanity that is left....

arbiter elegantiae

There's something about people, that kind of resonates through time. People recollect images of public figures or other people in general on the basis of a singular event. One event in time can change how the rest of humanity is going to percieve about from now to the end of time. And no matter how great or small your achievements after the incident you shall always be remembered for that first make or break. And you're stuck with it.

Monica Lewinsky can come up with the cure for AIDS and Cancer, but she'll always be remembered as the greatest knob gobbler of all time. David Hasselhoff may have sold millions of records in Germany and the rest of Europe... but for the rest of the world he's no more than the guy from Knight Rider (if u were a TV viewer from the 80s) or Baywatch (alright i'm ancient ... for u 90s viewers)...

But what if, those people/events in history were to have had slight fuck ups ...Or slight variations? What if fat man and/or little boy didn't detonate? [What a FUBAR that could've been]... What if Oswald missed? [Yeah! I know the fella in the grassy knowles would've made it...] What if Lennon/Morrison/Hendrix/Cobain.. didn't die their ill fated deaths? There are too many what-ifs to ponder over? I'll leave that to you oh beloved audience of mine..add'em as comments ....

But lemme leave u with this one particular thought.......if Clinton had a gay affair.. would the american political instituition have left him in power? Would the world have taken to it as it as just a case of promiscious behaviour? i'd like to hear your opinions......... punch in ur responses.....

Specto Vulgus

The weekend was rather eventful.. I was at the Rankine Power Plant in Niagra... A 100 year old damn built on the Niagra Falls... It was divine ... Especially the board roam..Wow... most office space dwelling Dilberts dream of a window.. this place had the Falls to look at .. Does it get any better than that? The place had history reeking out of every nook and cranny ... Your talking the very walls within which allegedly Tesla and Edison had a fist fight over whther AC or DC would be the way to go... We all know who won that one... Italian Marble for the Switch Panel boards... Brass Relays .... Turn of the century electricity generation... People who barely knew what they were dealing with were generating power and making a hefty profit selling it out to the infant giants of the Industrial Revolution... Amazingly spectacular to see one of the corner stones of power generation that the world has seen... The hydro-electric project that was truly from an eon ago ..with none of the sophistication that you see today..yet doing a Herculean task... Mind you they used an operating frequency of 25 Hz... and they do generate 0.3 MW of power even today to supply Washington Mills and Stelco who use it for their Arc Furnaces. Up until recently there was a turn of the century cinema hall in upstate NY that had the 25Hz operating frequency used on their arc projectors for their shows... No wonder yhose Chaplin movies seemed all fucked up...

Anyway 100 feet under the damn dam... there i was in the damp humid bottom of this massive shaft running right thru ... The magnanimous size of the place just leaves u awestruck... An engineering wonder... no words could do justice to the kind of blood and sweat that has gone into running a mammoth of this size..Cheers !!! to all those unsung heroes who made it happen... Any way i walk away with a nut that was one of the many hundreds that hold the rusty old shaft that runs like a massive cock that penetrates the core of the earth ........

After that escapade i set out on an escapde which i must say i truly enjoyed... I turned into an anthropologist on a quest to find what drives people to behave in a certain way in public....

There i was at the falls... with this cattle of ppl walking past me .. coming to a halt in front of that railing that must have been touched by millions of ppl ...(Think of finger print analysis of the site... the amount of microbes....)..Any way beofre i get off on that tangent.... Toursits from all over the place arrive at the site to do the very same thing... Take a picture of themself in front of this piece of geography... and the way it's done is exactly the same they fake a smile in that lens... and try immortalize themself.. Probably to satisfy the vanity within...

The visitors themselves could be categorized... there were the families.. the kids who were hungry and wanted to eat ... the kid who wanted that $49.99 slnky ball in the store and was howling its brains off... then there were the kids who wanted to pee...

Then there those who bring their moms and dads along ..u know when it's the guy's folks... the chick's body language just sez.. i hate that ol'hag... and u know it's the chick's folks..the guy's like when the fuck are we going to leave ... it's hilarious ... just sit there and look at these ppl ... it's the same genric display of feelings... The son who wants to so desperately have his son and mom to take a pic together... Why ..so that that kid can look back and see this image of grandma.. a person who this photograph is going to be the only surving relic of ever being a part of his life... And there's the over protective mom who doesnt let the kid peep over the railings .. coz she's freaking out ... each stereotype imaginable in society is there to be viewed in all their splendour... After the family crowd withered away i shifted my attnetion to the yuppie cpls... their hormone levels were too high to engage in any other activity but perhaps what a rabbit could keep up with... Trust me from the meagre holding hands to humping I saw it all ...

The sheer spectacle of people was much more entertaining and enthralling than any movie, song, dance, drug enhanced euphoria..... I had always felt the same about airports... which is going to my next ppl viewing place...