Guiltabbal Lecter

16 years on the planet ; 8 of which i was technically away from home. But never in those years had i missed being at home as I did yesterday. I'm a late bloomer. In a fit of rage my first instinct is flight and then fight. I run away from the predicament; then there's a voice in my head that calls me a chicken... and to calm that deafening yell I run back... sometimes it's too late.. I return with hopes of having gained some momentum in the process... But it's the sheer spontaentity that was lost...

Am I whining? Probably... Abt what...well a lot of things... Primarily July 13th 2004 just slipped by ... On this planet with 6 billion ppl the only sibling I have was born 16 years ago... Jeddah Medical Center... born premature... the year was 1988... Hey! The euphoria dies down over the years ..But I guess it's when the geographic dispostion kicks in that we realize how much somebody means to you... the sheer beauty of an anniversary is the periodicity of celebration .. as humans we look forward to timely reasons to steer away from the dull drab boring mundane daily existance.. human intimacy finds reason to elate in sporadic eruptions of the unknown celebratary joy ...

I must have been there as a lingering spirit .... the things we say and do to appease the lingering spirit within...

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C.S.I. - Crime Scene Investigation; [2.06 - ALTER BOYS]

William L. Petersen as Gil Grissom
Dylan Baker as Father Powell

Powell: "You still suffer like a Catholic. Light bulb goes out, other people fix it, get a new one. Light bulb goes out for the Catholic, he stands in the dark and says 'what did I do wrong?'"
Grissom: "That guilt's not in me anymore."

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Unfortunately I guess there remains the lingering guilt within..

"Guiltabbal Lecter" is having me with fava beans and a nice chianti... and amidst all the strifes and scourging I go thru ..

He has come thru to say, "Hello Ajnu Clare...I'd assume you're having a jolly good time amidst all those faggots in the middle of that semi inhabitted forest. Poor lil' thing... First principles, Miss Ajnu Clare. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What do they do, these people around you what do they seek? "

And then he retreats with his " I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye." Ofcourse he has to return to his domicile within me and eat me away.. And in that brief instant that I managed to sneak away from his lurking presence... I whimper... "Happy Birthday Ajnu!"